William Borden

IT'S SO WOWOO

Larry wonders if he's an alien. If he is an alien, why haven't the other aliens told him? When his alien wife—one of many, in many dimensions—appears, his earthly wife has to make adjustments. 1m, 2f. 25 min.

Winner, Teco Theatre Festival, Dallas, TX


An excerpt...

YOOFTA
It's so good to glip you after all this time and space and dimensionality.

LARRY
Glip?

YOOFTA
Have you forgotten so much?

LARRY
I guess so.

YOOFTA
It's good to perceive you with all 37 of my senses.

LARRY
Likewise.

YOOFTA
Perhaps you remember the word "wowoo"? We would say, It's so wowoo to glip you after all this time…and so forth.

LARRY
Who are you?

YOOFTA
Have you forgotten me? So soon?

LARRY
(Thinks a moment.)
Yes.

YOOFTA
It's only been ten thousand years and fifty billion parsecs. And a hundred and six dimensions.

LARRY
Whoever you are—where the heck have you been? You drop me off on this insane planet, you give me no manual, you leave me to fend for myself like some feral child raised by wolves, I look all over for you, or somebody like you…like me… I've been lonely.

YOOFTA
I'm your wife.

LARRY
My wife?

YOOFTA
One of your wives. But I like to think I'm special.

LARRY
You are!

YOOFTA
A little different than your other wives in those other dimensions.

LARRY
I have a wife here—Kelly. She's an earthling. I think.

YOOFTA
We know. We don't mind.

LARRY
You don't?

YOOFTA
There are so many planets, galaxies, dimensions...

LARRY
Kelly would mind. She’s pretty jealous. If she knew about you...

YOOFTA
Are you going to tell her?

LARRY
No, no…

KELLY (OFF)
Larry?

LARRY
There she is.

KELLY (OFF)
Who are you talking to?

Selected Works

FULL-LENGTH PLAYS
DON'T DANCE ME OUTSIDE
Butch, a novelist, and Ardis, an architect, begin an affair. They reveal their pasts, fantasize their future, call their spouses, fight, risk, and love.
MANY WORLDS
Maggie has to tell Axel that she has terminal cancer, as Axel explains the "Many Worlds" theory of quantum physics, and from time to time "other worlds" open up, some involving Maggie's husband.
TAP DANCING ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
A college professor who wants to run away from home gets his chance when he and his wife are visited by a would-be shaman, a runaway mother, and a hippy.
MEET AGAIN
A romantic comedy that takes a playful, sexy look at reincarnation. "Insightful and delightfully wacky," Jason Fogelson, New York Shakespeare Festival.
GOURMET LOVE
How long can Sally and Arnie keep their affair from their spouses, who are having an affair of their own?
BLUEST REASON
Lewis and Clark air their conflicts and hire a pregnant guide.
TEN-MINUTE PLAYS
GUNNING FOR LIFE
An old man's lust for life confronts his terminal cancer in an unusual comedy with a poignant ending.
DUET FOR VIRTUAL PARTICLES
A man wonders if he's an alien. A woman wonders if she's too tall.
DIRTY LAUNDRY
A woman wearing only a raincoat gives a would-be writer something to write about.
QUARKS
A man and a woman meet at a singles bar. His "Take off your panties," gets unexpected results.
SOMETHING LIGHTER
A couple finalize their divorce. Or do they?
THE BLUES STREET JAZZ CLUB REHEARSES
The loves of five would-be musicians intertwine like strands of music, improvised and unpredictable.
LUNCH
Should Bob and Bella tell their spouses they know their spouses are having an affair?
RECOGNITION
Two high school sweethearts, with their spouses, meet for lunch after 25 years.
HANGMAN
A condemned man must build his own gallows. He helps his executioner write a poem.
ONE EVENING IN PRAGUE
Albert Einstein, an up-and-coming physicist, meets Franz Kafka, a little-known author, .
FALLING
The thoughts of a Jew and a Muslim who fell from the World Trade Center the morning of September 11, 2001.
MUSE
Cal, plagued by writer's block, calls for a muse. He gets Ron.
THAT GUY FROM THE BERGMAN FILM
It may be Cassy's last day, but she hasn't lost her sense of humor as her family gathers around.
THE ALIEN HYPOTHESIS
If Larry is an alien, as he suspects, why haven't the aliens told him?
JUMPING
A man and a woman rejected by love fall in love before one jumps into the ice-covered Mississippi and the other jumps into the praxis of politics.
LEDGE
Mary could jump and end it all if Tom, who also wants to jump, would get out of her way.
ONE-ACT PLAYS
GARAGE SALE
Warren's starting over. He's selling everything.
PATRIOTS
Two men talking--terrorists or undercover agents?
I WANT TO BE AN INDIAN
A white liberal who wants to be an Indian gets his chance.
APPLES
A deconstructed Garden of Eden where Adam finds Lilith, and Eve and Satan reach an understanding.
COCKTAILS, DINNER
Should Sally and Arnie tell their spouses about their affair? Or will it spoil dinner?
IT'S SO WOWOO
Larry wonders if he's an alien. If he is an alien, why haven't the other aliens told him?
HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
A teenager wonders if a homeless man is really Jesus.
AFFAIRS OF RECKLESS HONOR
Six women re-enact the duels of an earlier age

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